You don’t have any women in your friend group? Most relationships are with people who start out as friends-of-friends that grow closer during social interactions over time.
Are they not introducing you to their other friends or available family members? If they know you are looking for someone, and that you’re having a hard time meeting new people, they could at least keep an eye out for you.
Nope, not once in my life. But granted, I studied for a male dominated degree, I work in a male dominated area and I can’t afford “attractive” hobbies. Being a first gen immigrant in a very conservative public school system doesn’t exactly leave you with a blooming social circle either.
I’m also severely depressed, poor, not exactly charismatic and not easy on the eyes.
I know, I am a real catch :) /s
I’m funny tho, at least so I’ve been told irl. I was also told that being funny would be enough. But turns out it’s more of a deal-closer not the entire deal. If all you have is “funny”, you might as well put on the makeup and go be a clown.
Some chemicals are very reactive. Others need the right conditions. You’re waiting for some free radical to come along, kick off a reaction, and somehow leave you with a stable bond.
Sure, that can happen randomly, but you improve your odds by getting compatible ingredients in the same place and supplying a little activation energy. You don’t have to force the chemistry—you just have to give it the conditions to happen.
If you keep everything sealed in separate bottles, your whole experiment depends on somebody accidentally knocking over the shelf.
I hope you read this full comment. I spent some time on it and I am happy to help if you want to DM.
I’d recommend therapy, look into sliding scale or other public mental health services. They might be non-existent, but there is also Telehealth services which might help with cost. If you have a job that offers benefits, even if they are poor, might have EAP benefits which you can usually use for a small handful of sessions for zero cost. Focus on finding a provider that takes EAP in your local area, and focus on finding low cost mental health services so you can continue care.
Start dressing better, go to a store with an employee (even if it’s a thrift store) and ask for their recommendations and opinions. Make sure they are well fitting, and if you can afford it, get some alterations or learn to sew.
Go to a stylist, not a barber or chain, before you go, ask them if they do consultations. Tell them you want a haircut that suits your face and you. I personally prefer to have women do this part. Once the haircut is done, take photos and videos of every angle. Have them show you how to style it yourself, then do it yourself, and have them correct it. Purchase the products they recommend, if cost is a concern, voice that and see if they can recommend different ones that fit your budget.
Take care of yourself, clean your ass, shower regularly, use shampoo and conditioner, groom yourself.
Take some time to pick out a good cologne/parfum. Don’t go overboard with it, but a good scent goes a long way! Spend some time, find a good salesperson who will actually HELP you instead of just handing samples out. Get a good parfum around $100 and a decent one at a lower price. It’s expensive, but it’s worth the investment.
Start finding clubs, meetups, small business groups, etc. something to become social, don’t worry about attracting your preferred partner. Even if the entire meetup is 100% your preferred partner, everyone is a friend. Make friends, push yourself, if you “click” with someone, say “hey, I really enjoyed talking with you, here is my phone number. Let’s talk more” you can also say “get coffee” or whatever.
If you like gaming, then add them on that, try and play with them.
People won’t reciprocate as much, so you’ll have to be the “active” friend who reaches out and sets up stuff.
Lots will fade, be rejected, or be ghosted. That’s okay, you are refining your social skills. It’s a muscle, you have to practice, exercise, etc.
Work on your apartment/bouse/whatever. Get toiletries for both genders, regardless of your preferences. Tampons, pads, conditioner, shampoo, some nicer towels.
Clean your bathroom, keep it tidy and smelling nice. Clean your whole apartment. Trash cans in every room.
Connect with old friends, be social, push yourself.
Lastly, actually dating. Online dating is hit or miss, but have multiple single photos, 1-2 max with friends. Humor works, I met my partner by putting together a slide deck for my online dating profile. Stuff like “pictures of animals that I do not own” and pictures of me with random animals. Make light fun of yourself, I had a bulleted list of “reasons why you should date me” and a few bullets were “not bad at sex”, “gives unlimited foot massages”, “has many hoodies for you to steal” and the last was “please”. The slide deck increased my matches by a few orders of magnitudes, because I showed that I am chill, I like animals, and I have a sense of humor. Look at online forums for things like tinder, not really for advice, but to see the things that they make fun of. For men it’s pictures of them with fish or dead animals. Don’t do things like that.
If/when you get a date, show up a bit early, don’t drink or consume drugs, be well groomed, break out your fancy parfum. At this point you’ve practiced your social skills, so just treat this person as if they are a human. Not an object. Don’t push or have expectations.
A small gift like flowers or a trinket is okay. You can skip it for a first date.
Make sure to give them an opportunity to talk, they should give you an opportunity as well. Temper your interests, it’s okay to talk about your interests, but don’t go on a 40 minute rant. It’s also okay to catch yourself and go “oh I’m sorry, I just feel passionately about X” and let them have an opportunity to let you continue or not.
It’s okay if it doesn’t work out, I’ve been on many dates that went no where. Show you care and are engaged, even if they aren’t someone you see a future with they can be a friend.
Be conscious of their safety and health. Give them your jacket if it’s cold, hold the door, etc. make sure they make it home safe, if you have their number, send them a text asking if they got home safe and if appropriate, the next day express that you enjoyed the date.
I appreciate the breakdown but first, I’m not in the US. Where I’m from we don’t do therapy, we burn out, we have a mental breakdown, we cash in our sick days and after 2 weeks we’re back to work. If your mental problems aren’t directly work related, nobody gives a shit. Just as an example, the waiting period to get an appointment for every single therapist in my city is about 2+ years.
The short time I’ve been to the US I have to say, dating in the US seems to be easy mode. Trust me, whatever social rules you think apply in the US don’t fly in most European countries. Theres no way to “enter” social circles, you’re either in or you’re out. Being an immigrant, I know this to well.
And I don’t need a step-by-step tutorial on how to put myself together. I’m not a 16 year old. I’m in my 30s, and I spend a good chunk of my life trying to play by the book, with zero success. Just to make myself clear, not “little” success, zero success. I’ve never even gotten a phone number. That feels like an anomaly, a statistical impossibility even. But it is what it is.
Besides, life has gotten so expensive that I couldn’t even afford any single thing you’ve listed. I’m at a point where 50 bucks are life changing. The economy is completely stacked against single people, always has been. Of course with a decent job that would be different but I’m overworked and barely make above minimum wage. I basically live paycheck to paycheck while my friends are buying houses. We all went to the same school and graduated together, so there’s really no excuse for me being an absolute loser.
It’s not like I act like a crazy person in public. As much as I dislike self-censoring, I dial down the inappropriate humor and keep the topics lighthearted with new people. I just have accepted that there’s something about me that women absolutely despise, something invisible to me and frankly to other guys. I have zero issues hanging out with dudes, even randoms. I’m a silver tongued smooth talker with the boys, but the second I turn any of that confidence to a girl… Let’s say I have seen enough smiles fade and eyes roll.
And you’re under the assumption that I want a partner in the first olace, that’s not true. What I genuenly want with every fibre of my being is to just die and get this over with. So much so, that I’ve been deliberately ignoring 2 weeks of hard stomach pain because I’m hoping it’s colon cancer - gotta let it simmer and spread a little before giving the doctors a heart attack.
I’d be an absolute catastrophic burden on any serious partner. My brutal mental disorders have destroyed friendships with a strong lifelong foundation. How the hell am I supposed to develop a romantic relationship from a fleeting interaction? There is simply no winning in this situation. If feel like somebody checkmated me and people are sitting around the board thinking of pieces to move to somehow turn the game around. There are no moves left only lessons to learn.
I did have two women make an attempt. But my autistic ass was too oblivious to understand until someone explained it to me later on. One of them even undressed down to her underwear in front of me, despite me only knowing her for like 2 days. Apparently that could be a sign, together with the fact that she was weirdly obsessed with me. Unfortunately my cousin got incredibly jealous of her, so she ended the friendship with her. Never met her again after that (we live 200 km apart and didn’t have each other’s number).
I’m not sure if I’m happy dor you that this happened to you or sad.
I wouldn’t exactly call myself Sherlock Holmes when it comes to social engagement, but I feel like emotional intelligence is one of my strengths. I can definetly, with 100% certainty say no women has ever even had a single neuron fire in my direction. Hell I’d argue that all my conversation that I had with women one-on-one outside of work and family would fit on roughly 10 pages at 11pt. I can and have easily entertained a whole crowd of people but in the end that’s all I’ve ever been, a talking head.
Same situation as OP, and i don’t really wanna date my close friend anyway. But on the plus side friendzone is very comfortable, i’m not lonely despite living alone and only meet them occasionally, and i have cats as companion.
It’s not so much about dating close friends, but about friends of friends—people you don’t necessarily know, but who are not strangers, on account of your shared mutual friend. A friendly introduction by your mutual puts you a billion steps ahead of the rando at the coffee shop awkwardly trying to start up a conversation with you.
I’m sure you’re right, but at least when it comes to dating apps, those tend to reward people with conventional appeal. People whose best qualities only become apparent when you get to know them can find online dating options to be kind of a dead end.
I’m fat and average height lol, I guess my face isn’t terrible though.
It did take a very long time and was absolutely soul crushing for a while. Took 1 or 2 years, I got lucky. In that time only ever met 1 person online and we got married.
You don’t have any women in your friend group? Most relationships are with people who start out as friends-of-friends that grow closer during social interactions over time.
I do, but they’re all in long term relationships.
Are they not introducing you to their other friends or available family members? If they know you are looking for someone, and that you’re having a hard time meeting new people, they could at least keep an eye out for you.
No, because that’s weird
How so?
What makes you think I have friends if I don’t leave home.
Spiders and stray cats count
Friends are much like vampires. They cannot cross the boundaries of your dwelling unless invited in.
That’s fair, making friends be hard.
Wow…profunnndo…
🤔
Nope, not once in my life. But granted, I studied for a male dominated degree, I work in a male dominated area and I can’t afford “attractive” hobbies. Being a first gen immigrant in a very conservative public school system doesn’t exactly leave you with a blooming social circle either.
I’m also severely depressed, poor, not exactly charismatic and not easy on the eyes.
I know, I am a real catch :) /s
I’m funny tho, at least so I’ve been told irl. I was also told that being funny would be enough. But turns out it’s more of a deal-closer not the entire deal. If all you have is “funny”, you might as well put on the makeup and go be a clown.
I have a steady job as the Universes bad example.
You study chemistry at that school, right?
Some chemicals are very reactive. Others need the right conditions. You’re waiting for some free radical to come along, kick off a reaction, and somehow leave you with a stable bond.
Sure, that can happen randomly, but you improve your odds by getting compatible ingredients in the same place and supplying a little activation energy. You don’t have to force the chemistry—you just have to give it the conditions to happen.
If you keep everything sealed in separate bottles, your whole experiment depends on somebody accidentally knocking over the shelf.
I hope you read this full comment. I spent some time on it and I am happy to help if you want to DM.
I’d recommend therapy, look into sliding scale or other public mental health services. They might be non-existent, but there is also Telehealth services which might help with cost. If you have a job that offers benefits, even if they are poor, might have EAP benefits which you can usually use for a small handful of sessions for zero cost. Focus on finding a provider that takes EAP in your local area, and focus on finding low cost mental health services so you can continue care.
Start dressing better, go to a store with an employee (even if it’s a thrift store) and ask for their recommendations and opinions. Make sure they are well fitting, and if you can afford it, get some alterations or learn to sew.
Go to a stylist, not a barber or chain, before you go, ask them if they do consultations. Tell them you want a haircut that suits your face and you. I personally prefer to have women do this part. Once the haircut is done, take photos and videos of every angle. Have them show you how to style it yourself, then do it yourself, and have them correct it. Purchase the products they recommend, if cost is a concern, voice that and see if they can recommend different ones that fit your budget.
Take care of yourself, clean your ass, shower regularly, use shampoo and conditioner, groom yourself.
Take some time to pick out a good cologne/parfum. Don’t go overboard with it, but a good scent goes a long way! Spend some time, find a good salesperson who will actually HELP you instead of just handing samples out. Get a good parfum around $100 and a decent one at a lower price. It’s expensive, but it’s worth the investment.
Start finding clubs, meetups, small business groups, etc. something to become social, don’t worry about attracting your preferred partner. Even if the entire meetup is 100% your preferred partner, everyone is a friend. Make friends, push yourself, if you “click” with someone, say “hey, I really enjoyed talking with you, here is my phone number. Let’s talk more” you can also say “get coffee” or whatever.
If you like gaming, then add them on that, try and play with them.
People won’t reciprocate as much, so you’ll have to be the “active” friend who reaches out and sets up stuff.
Lots will fade, be rejected, or be ghosted. That’s okay, you are refining your social skills. It’s a muscle, you have to practice, exercise, etc.
Work on your apartment/bouse/whatever. Get toiletries for both genders, regardless of your preferences. Tampons, pads, conditioner, shampoo, some nicer towels.
Clean your bathroom, keep it tidy and smelling nice. Clean your whole apartment. Trash cans in every room.
Connect with old friends, be social, push yourself.
Lastly, actually dating. Online dating is hit or miss, but have multiple single photos, 1-2 max with friends. Humor works, I met my partner by putting together a slide deck for my online dating profile. Stuff like “pictures of animals that I do not own” and pictures of me with random animals. Make light fun of yourself, I had a bulleted list of “reasons why you should date me” and a few bullets were “not bad at sex”, “gives unlimited foot massages”, “has many hoodies for you to steal” and the last was “please”. The slide deck increased my matches by a few orders of magnitudes, because I showed that I am chill, I like animals, and I have a sense of humor. Look at online forums for things like tinder, not really for advice, but to see the things that they make fun of. For men it’s pictures of them with fish or dead animals. Don’t do things like that.
If/when you get a date, show up a bit early, don’t drink or consume drugs, be well groomed, break out your fancy parfum. At this point you’ve practiced your social skills, so just treat this person as if they are a human. Not an object. Don’t push or have expectations.
A small gift like flowers or a trinket is okay. You can skip it for a first date.
Make sure to give them an opportunity to talk, they should give you an opportunity as well. Temper your interests, it’s okay to talk about your interests, but don’t go on a 40 minute rant. It’s also okay to catch yourself and go “oh I’m sorry, I just feel passionately about X” and let them have an opportunity to let you continue or not.
It’s okay if it doesn’t work out, I’ve been on many dates that went no where. Show you care and are engaged, even if they aren’t someone you see a future with they can be a friend.
Be conscious of their safety and health. Give them your jacket if it’s cold, hold the door, etc. make sure they make it home safe, if you have their number, send them a text asking if they got home safe and if appropriate, the next day express that you enjoyed the date.
I appreciate the breakdown but first, I’m not in the US. Where I’m from we don’t do therapy, we burn out, we have a mental breakdown, we cash in our sick days and after 2 weeks we’re back to work. If your mental problems aren’t directly work related, nobody gives a shit. Just as an example, the waiting period to get an appointment for every single therapist in my city is about 2+ years.
The short time I’ve been to the US I have to say, dating in the US seems to be easy mode. Trust me, whatever social rules you think apply in the US don’t fly in most European countries. Theres no way to “enter” social circles, you’re either in or you’re out. Being an immigrant, I know this to well.
And I don’t need a step-by-step tutorial on how to put myself together. I’m not a 16 year old. I’m in my 30s, and I spend a good chunk of my life trying to play by the book, with zero success. Just to make myself clear, not “little” success, zero success. I’ve never even gotten a phone number. That feels like an anomaly, a statistical impossibility even. But it is what it is.
Besides, life has gotten so expensive that I couldn’t even afford any single thing you’ve listed. I’m at a point where 50 bucks are life changing. The economy is completely stacked against single people, always has been. Of course with a decent job that would be different but I’m overworked and barely make above minimum wage. I basically live paycheck to paycheck while my friends are buying houses. We all went to the same school and graduated together, so there’s really no excuse for me being an absolute loser.
It’s not like I act like a crazy person in public. As much as I dislike self-censoring, I dial down the inappropriate humor and keep the topics lighthearted with new people. I just have accepted that there’s something about me that women absolutely despise, something invisible to me and frankly to other guys. I have zero issues hanging out with dudes, even randoms. I’m a silver tongued smooth talker with the boys, but the second I turn any of that confidence to a girl… Let’s say I have seen enough smiles fade and eyes roll.
And you’re under the assumption that I want a partner in the first olace, that’s not true. What I genuenly want with every fibre of my being is to just die and get this over with. So much so, that I’ve been deliberately ignoring 2 weeks of hard stomach pain because I’m hoping it’s colon cancer - gotta let it simmer and spread a little before giving the doctors a heart attack.
I’d be an absolute catastrophic burden on any serious partner. My brutal mental disorders have destroyed friendships with a strong lifelong foundation. How the hell am I supposed to develop a romantic relationship from a fleeting interaction? There is simply no winning in this situation. If feel like somebody checkmated me and people are sitting around the board thinking of pieces to move to somehow turn the game around. There are no moves left only lessons to learn.
I did have two women make an attempt. But my autistic ass was too oblivious to understand until someone explained it to me later on. One of them even undressed down to her underwear in front of me, despite me only knowing her for like 2 days. Apparently that could be a sign, together with the fact that she was weirdly obsessed with me. Unfortunately my cousin got incredibly jealous of her, so she ended the friendship with her. Never met her again after that (we live 200 km apart and didn’t have each other’s number).
I’m not sure if I’m happy dor you that this happened to you or sad.
I wouldn’t exactly call myself Sherlock Holmes when it comes to social engagement, but I feel like emotional intelligence is one of my strengths. I can definetly, with 100% certainty say no women has ever even had a single neuron fire in my direction. Hell I’d argue that all my conversation that I had with women one-on-one outside of work and family would fit on roughly 10 pages at 11pt. I can and have easily entertained a whole crowd of people but in the end that’s all I’ve ever been, a talking head.
Same situation as OP, and i don’t really wanna date my close friend anyway. But on the plus side friendzone is very comfortable, i’m not lonely despite living alone and only meet them occasionally, and i have cats as companion.
It’s not so much about dating close friends, but about friends of friends—people you don’t necessarily know, but who are not strangers, on account of your shared mutual friend. A friendly introduction by your mutual puts you a billion steps ahead of the rando at the coffee shop awkwardly trying to start up a conversation with you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s becoming more rare these days. I met my wife online, worked out since our social circles never crossed
I’m sure you’re right, but at least when it comes to dating apps, those tend to reward people with conventional appeal. People whose best qualities only become apparent when you get to know them can find online dating options to be kind of a dead end.
I’m fat and average height lol, I guess my face isn’t terrible though.
It did take a very long time and was absolutely soul crushing for a while. Took 1 or 2 years, I got lucky. In that time only ever met 1 person online and we got married.