So I’m completely new to this and this is a recent self discovery, but I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years. I was married to him for 11 of those years, but a couple years ago, I started feeling trapped and was starting to fall for other people and we just stopped getting along for a while so I decided I wanted to call it off both for his sake and mine. I learned a lot about myself in the time we were separated and I’m still learning. We got divorced and then, after some time, I started falling for him again because we had both been working on ourselves and we were still on good terms, but now I have a problem. I’m falling for another guy while also loving my current partner. My current partner knows because I opened up to him about it, but he doesn’t want me to pursue anyone else. He wants to stay monogamous and I understand that he’s scared, but I feel like I’ve got a hole in my life. I love my partner, I love this life I have, but I have so much more to give and I wanna share this life with another. I don’t really know what to do or how to stop feeling this way
(Update) I won’t be responding to this anymore. I got a few helpful responses, but I’m tired of the people who think the worst of me for loving 2 people. Thank you to those who did help
All I’ll say is, for the love of whatever gods you believe in, don’t cheat. Communication is the key.
@Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone I have no intentions of cheating. I just don’t know how to explain to him how I feel and how much it means to me or to reassure him that I’m not cheating and that I still love him just as much
If you’ve been in a monogamous relationship and he doesn’t agree to you seeing others then what you’re talking about is cheating and is not ethical.
The thing is that I haven’t done anything. I haven’t acted on anything and I’m not gonna be like my dad who cheated on my mom. I’m trying to figure out how to explain things to him in a way he could understand. To help him see my point of view. I’m not trying to hurt him and I’m not trying to force the matter. I just need to know how to talk about this. I don’t want to hear anymore comments about cheating because it’s not at all what I’m doing
He might see your point of view and still not want what you want.
If he’s not okay with you having other partners, the choice is clear: monogamy with him, or non-monogamy without him. You don’t get to contextualize his reservations as “fear”. Non-monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. Either choose partners that match the structure you desire, or choose the structure that matches the partner you desire.
You can try to make a case to your partner for your desired structure, but they have no obligation to change their mind. Respect your partner. Continuing to try to influence your partner to change their mind, when they’ve already made their position clear, is extremely fucked up.
@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works He literally told me it was a fear thing.
Can you elaborate?
@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works I was talking to him about being poly. He said he’s just afraid that I’m gonna lose feelings for him, but I’m happy with him. He’s put in so much work on himself and we can openly communicate again. I’m just trying to figure out how best to reassure him that he’s safe, but I understand if it takes time
Are we talking about the man you left once already? That certainly seems like a reasonable fear. Unfortunately, given the history, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to assuage that fear. From his perspective all he can know is that it’s happened before.
Polyamory isn’t a “Fix it” button for struggling relationships. If he’s not comfortable with it, he’s not comfortable with it. You have to respect his wishes if you want a relationship with him.
@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works I’m not trying to fix it because we’re doing well together. I just want to figure out how to talk to him more about this. When I left him, I left him for both our sakes. I couldn’t give him what he needed at the time because I didn’t even know what I needed or wanted or even who I was and he lost himself in it as well. Our time apart was good for both of us and that is not just my words.
Whatever the reason, it happened, and it was your decision. How can he ever be sure it won’t happen again, that you won’t decide you can’t give each other what you need again?
I think if you push this, the relationship is going to fracture irreparably, sooner or later, depending on how tolerant he is.
I have no good advice, I just wanted stop in from the all feed (I’m poly by practice for the time being but it’s not really the way I intuitively relate to relationships or what I want long term) to offer hugs and say I’m sorry you’re in this incredibly stressful spot, I’d be so afraid it’d all end with people getting hurt
I’m hopeful you find the right approach for your situation. At the end of the day if the people you’re interested in are monogamous and do not wish for a different structure of relationship, you may be forced to face simply not being compatible and wanting different things even if you’re in love with them both :(
Sending love and hugs 🫂 best of luck my friend. Remember to be compassionate both to your partner(s) and to yourself.
The moment you decided that you couldn’t handle being in a monogamous relationship with this man and broke it up is when you ended your relationship with this man.
There is no going back, if you are poly and he isn’t then this isn’t going to work. Period.
Leave him alone.
@SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world The break up wasn’t about this. It was about not being able to communicate and losing ourselves after years of being together. I don’t appreciate the harsh tone of your comment.
It sure sounds like it was because you wanted someone else.
I started feeling trapped and was starting to fall for other people and we just stopped getting along for a while so I decided I wanted to call it off both for his sake and mine.
If that’s not what happened then tell it like it happened.
@SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world There’s a lot more to it than that. We both had our own issues that we weren’t talking about or confronting. It got to a point where neither of us really cared and were just going through motions and snapping at each other. I also, at the time, couldn’t give him what he needed. I felt inadequate and had to figure things out for myself. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted and he admits that he felt the same. We know communicate more openly than we ever really had. I hadn’t put the poly puzzle together until recently
I think you’re focusing a lot on your perspective and not his.
Is he poly? If he isn’t, then he probably isn’t ok with the idea of sharing his partner.
I recommend reading. A good intro book I recently read was Polyamorous Advice You Won’t Get from Your Monogamous Friends
@colonelp4nic@lemmy.world Thank you for not immediately jumping to the assumption that I’m gonna cheat! I’ll check it out! Thanks!
Stop toying with this man.
This doesn’t sound like polyamory to me. It sounds like rose colored glasses and nostalgia. You gotta move on, for both your sakes.
Just my $0.02
@surewhynotlem@lemmy.world So loving two people isn’t polyamory? I don’t understand where you got these ideas from.
My experience with breaking up with long term partners is that the rebound love you get after being apart for a while is temporary.
So I’m saying you don’t love two people. You love one, and you’re dependent on the other. But ymmv
I’d like to start by saying, from you post, it sounds like you’re handling this fairly well and doing a great job about communicating your need. While it makes sense that you’d want to try polyamory at the same time you’re redefining your relationship with the person you were married to, both of the things you’re trying to do put immense strain on the relationship. Individually, both things are going to be highly emotional and require a lot of clear communication.
Polyamory is like sex, if it isn’t a “fuck yes” its a “no”. I don’t necessarily want want to say its hard, but it is a lot of work. Its a lot of talking about emotions, trying to coherently share how you feel about things that you may have never verbalized before, trying to understand other people’s experiences, and re-learning how relationships can be defined. Your partner may be scared but he may also know that it isn’t for him.
When talking about this new guy, is he polyamorous? That could stop the whole process right there. Thinking of that, and maybe the kids are calling it something different these days, look into NRE or New Relationship Energy. Many people have cheated or tried opening their relationships because they wanted a specific somebody else and when it didn’t turn out how they wanted they found themselves single. If this new person wasn’t in the picture, would you still be interested in polyamory? If your current partner started dating someone else and you were only dating him, how would you feel about it?
There is a lot going on, while I don’t know what your relationships look like, in your shoes I would either rebuild things with my current partner and look into maybe opening the relationship a few years into the future or pursue the new guy and start things off in an open relationship. Whatever happens, I hope that all of you end up with the best possible outcomes.
@OmgItBurns@discuss.online I can answer one part of this already because I’ve already watched my partner with someone else and was okay with it. He dated someone else while we were separated and it didn’t bother me. I care about him getting what he needs too and his happiness.
From what I know about the other guy, he was dating 2 people when we met so chances are yes. I haven’t said anything about this to him yet though. I’m just working through things first and making sure I don’t make a mess. I have been interested in others while with my partner as well, but never put the pieces together like I can now.
I appreciate your input! I intend to take this slowly and let things happen naturally. Plus side, my current partner tends to do his own research into things like this so maybe he’ll come around in time. Thank you!
