Yeah, that’s me. Patrike Swayzee virtually wrapping my flabby arms around your two sizes too small discount fabric office wheelie chair with a leaky piston. Our mutual guts not even getting in the way because of the wonders of virtual scream manipulation.

I don’t even brush the encrusted dead skin cells off your keys down into your Dorito/Cheeto dust filled keyboard as I quietly close page after page of WebMD, Reddit, Facebook, and Twitter to get the CPU to a baseline so I can find out what’s causing high utilization. Hint: it’s probably that “free poker” application you downloaded on Friday that’s trying to do a combination of Bitcoin mining and key logging, or maybe that free “AI chat friend” that wants nothing but your well-being and for some “unknown” reason, the last four of your social security number.

Rest assured, at the end of the call, I will tell you once again not to download stupid non-work related crap, and assure you that I can’t see your screen (nor whould I want to) at any point during the day without the little badge popping up in the lower right hand corner saying I’m looking at your screen. I mean, it’s a lie I totally could for sure make your box send me a screenshot but that is literally the last thing I would want to see in a day here.

It’s just a modern day love story…