I experienced crushing grief as a teen during Spring, and for about a decade later my mental health and general perspective took a dark and negative turn as Winter gave way to Spring. Every bright sunny morning, every time I smelt wet earth being warmed by the sun, fresh cut grass and the sound of mowers, hell even the first bits of birdsong and the little extra bounce in everyone’s steps haunted and even mocked me as it all felt so incongruous to the dark hole of grief I’d been thrown into.

It got to the point where I knew Spring was coming by the sudden awareness of a growing pit of impending doom in my stomach. You know, that hollow, icy feeling like something really awful has happened but you can’t quite remember yet? Or like when you were a kid and you just knew you were about to be in big trouble but your parents haven’t come home yet? That’s the feeling. And it would grow with each sunny warm day that felt exactly like the ones that changed my life forever.

I once saw a documentary about Schizophrenia, and one of the people with Schizophrenia that was featured was riding in a car looking out the window and said the sun was laughing at him. I think I know how he felt.

Anyone still reading this: I’m fine now, this was a long time ago. I garden now and Spring has become my favorite season. I’m deeply grateful to have come full circle.

Sometimes you just need to go for a walk

I like rain and hate the sun so this is actually perfect for me lol