ivanafterall ☑️

I not only got laid off hard, but they actually PAID ME for it afterwards. Guess I’m just that good.

Mt. Tushsore

If you’re surrounded by mountains, aren’t you also surrounded by valleys?

poor guy

Literally, relatively speaking. He’s the poor one of the group.

You’re a lucky man. She sounds like a good woman.

Hang on to her, they don’t make 'em like that anymore!

When I used to smoke, I started bumping into this therapist in D.C. outside my building on a busy street downtown. She had actively tried to get on some Bachelor-esque reality show (it may have actually been The Bachelor). Eventually, she told me about the time she pissed in a boss’s coffee mug. Or my favorite: the time she did blood magic to prevent rain from ruining her and her friends’ beach weekend. She eventually said she needed to stop meeting me for smoke breaks, because she was dating someone, and if we kept it up, “she would take what she wanted.” Therapists, man. Definitely very stable.

Just feels nice to be so seen, honestly.

Mosquitoes are way more annoying. Hornets are like nature’s Hans Zimmer BWAAAAAM sound. Your brain immediately knows to be scared.

Actual press photo of Jesus watching the event:

I shaved for you. See you soon. 😘