I wasn’t suicidal, I’ve just always struggled with actually imagining future as something real and thus never had any plans for the future, back then i couldn’t even properly comprehend how people can have future plans and if anyone asked. I just made up random shit as it seemed that’s how people do it.

So dying of a drug OD after a weeklong trip was a kinda nice alternative to the rather unrealistic(in hindsight) scenario that my parents constantly reminded or planned for me of becoming a public fleshlight in a prison.

Later it turned out that the drug lectures were kinda wrong and no one just hands you drugs for free.